Wallow, wanting and window seat.

This week has been hard, its been tough getting up early, awakening to the cold beginnings of autumn. Only to quickly get up and ready, eat a bowl of warm porridge and get out of the door, in anticipation of my two bus journeys. I don’t need to get up so early but you can never predict the mood of city traffic. I get on the same bus, incredibly in arrives on time, although now because I’ve said this it probably won’t. The bus driver, his cold, hard,face staring at me looks how I feel, missing the sun and dreading the cold. I’m getting used to this routine.

I can even predict the layout of the bus. The passengers on the bus have began to alter with the seasons, everyone sitting far against opposing windows, leaving seats on the aisle up for grabs, their faces look forward in an attempt to suggest “don’t you sit next to me” unfortunately I need that seat, standing on a bus is lethal. I even find discomfort in the aisle seats, weary of my balance as the bus sways and abruptly comes to a stop, I fear on many occasions that I might fall off my seat. I feel unbalanced and unsteady.

This week has been hard. I think I’m beginning to understand what it means to be a graduate, without the stability of university, my questions regarding the future have increased dramatically. I don’t know what I am aiming for, I know what I like doing, I think I know what I’m good at but I don’t know what to do about it. Not for lack of trying, I am beginning to bear a lot of pressure on myself to try and devise a plan, a strategy of some sort that will offer guidance. I know there are hundreds of thousands, millions of graduates who feel in the same position, I’m not any different but I want all the answers, I want someone to say “Jess, this is what you will do, this is your direction” That will not happen, my life is my own and I accept that, sometimes this burden is a lone one, for me and only me. Sometimes this makes me upset and wallow in self pity but what it does and what it should do is be encouraging and exciting, I am young and at the start of a adventure, that’s what I need to believe, that this bus journey is only temporary, if I wait ten minutes another will come along and it will take me somewhere else, it might not even be on time and there might just be a window seat. I need to be brave and have courage, and remember these wise words: Que sera, sera whatever will be, will be.

Thank you Doris.

2 thoughts on “Wallow, wanting and window seat.

  1. Post-Graduate life is so crazy. I’m 25 and still trying to get it figured out (news flash: you never figure it out). The best you can do is do what you love and surround yourself with good people. Meet as many strangers as you can. Try something new all the time. This is the real beginning of your life story. The future is big. Very big. And foggy. But it should never be scary or sad (if it is, you’re going the wrong way). Take what you learned at your university and run with it. Don’t feel pressured about figuring out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. Seek happiness and the rest will fall into place.

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